I'm a horrible person - and here's proof..

I had a horrible flashback today and it was triggered by seeing my neighbor walk his dog. This true story might explain why I'm only bordering on the edge of perfection.

It was a beautiful but hot Texas Sunday afternoon, and I was just about to pull onto my street when I saw my neighbor's house. Something seemed odd,but I couldn't figure out why.
Then it hit me........

Oh my gosh.....I was supposed to take of their dogs this weekend!!!

I quickly wondered if I had told Ron and he had been doing it while I was at work. I parked the car ran into the house and asked Ron if he had remembered to feed the neighbor's dogs....he said...

"What neighbor"

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!

They were supposed to be home that evening and my only thought was to run over there...do CPR on the heat stroked dogs, dump all the food out, and let the dogs eat it all. I started walking over and made a turn for the gate when I saw the garage door open . My heart sank and, I thought about knocking on the front door and pleading for their forgiveness, but instead I ran home as fast as I could!

I was pacing around the house for about 5 minutes when I heard a knock at the door. I had a really good idea who it was. I started to rehearse my apologies in my head and opened the door.

Mary had her hand out and instead of it being a vet bill or her dog's ashes, she handed me a gift bag.

"Thank you so much for watching the dogs for us!!"

I didn't know what to say and wondered if she was tricking me and waiting for me to confess. I paused for a few seconds and said..

"You're Welcome"

I closed the door and hung my head in shame. Having a gift to open did help to take my mind off the guilt a little. Three years later I still wonder if they know and are waiting for me to repent and return the candle.

This may change your mind in asking me for favors. Especially babysitting.

The odd couple..

Ronald and I agreed that when I had jesse, I would stay home with her and start working from home as she got a little older. I'm used to working around people, odd hours, and also being alone a lot because Ron travels during the week. That obviously changed 5 months ago....and has gone from just taking care of a sack of potatoes (sorry jesse) to taking care of a personality.

We're slowly becoming best friends, but with different roles. If she was an adult this would really be a bad deal for me. She is like that clueless best friend that always needs help with something. She is the messiest roommate I've ever had. She throws up on me at the end of the night and then smiles at me. She never offers to drive and never offers to pay for anything. But she is jesse....and she puts a smile on my face everyday.....

The Big H part 2

We woke up at 5am to go to the hospital. Almost exactly 5 months earlier we had woken up at the same time to go get Jesse. This time it was our baby that would be sedated and my nerves were a little on edge. She couldn't eat or drink anything past midnight and I was prepared to have a screaming baby ALL the way there. We waited till the last possible second to put her in her car seat and hoped that she would sleep till we got there. Half way there I heard her talking to herself and and she sounded happy. She stayed happy even while we were filling out paperwork. It seemed to make it even harder, seeing her smile and wondering if we were making the right decisions.

We were with the receptionist/office asst. going over documents and signing forms to allow them to preform the MRI when she started going over the insurance information. She handed us a form that showed us what we needed to pay that day, what insurance covered, total procedure cost, and a bunch of other numbers. We didn't see our portion to pay and asked where that number was. She took it back and circled the number that read.... $1000.

Ronald quickly said $1000 for the procedure?

"No....that's what you owe today"

Ronald being a numbers guy asked to see the numbers again.

We saw that the total procedure is $5000.

She asked how we would be paying and I almost said...

"Do you take $1000 bills?"

Ron handed her the credit card...looked at me...and I think meant to just mouth it....but said fairly loudly....

"#$%&"

I hit his leg and smiled at the nurse that had just walked up behind us to take us all back.

On a side note.....Ron would have paid $10,000 for our health for the test. It just was a little surprising they wanted $1000 that day!!

We all walk to the back and they put us in a little curtain room. They come in and ask a ton more questions that we have already answered. I start to feel myself wanting to tear up.

We get her into her hospital gown and she is just as happy as can be. We weren't allowed to go back with her so we said our goodbyes. I didn't tear up too bad and Ronald was strong for me I think. She looked so tiny as they rolled her off in the big bed.

My sister and dad came up and they were a great distraction. They said it would take about 2 hours, but that came and went. Time started really going slowly....

2 and half hours later they came out and said everything was fine and she was sleeping. They came back 10 minutes later to tell us she was awake and we could come see her.

She was crying very weird and they said it was from the tube down her throat. She wouldn't able to make out objects and they said she would be feeling weird and that she would be upset for a while. We held her and held her...and finally when I sang our songs that she knows...she calmed down.

We were discharged and Ron had a very important 3 day meeting that he had left temporarily for the MRI that he had to drive back to. I kept reassuring him that we would be fine and then he started to tear up. I think all the anxiousness had caught up to him.

My dad takes us home and she is very sleepy all day. I was so happy she was alright and she wasn't acting different than normal.

The dr is on vacation and he is the only one allowed to translate the findings. His nurse was not supposed to tell us anything, but knowing our anxiousness she told Ron that she believed there was no attachment. That was a big relief even though it was not official.

We will continue to monitor it and look for it to start going away at 9 months. If it does not,then we will need to possibly have it removed at some point.

Sometimes I look at it and it reminds me of just how blessed we are that it does not cause her pain of interfere with her health.

The big H

Birthmarks are a lie. They are not always at birth. They can show up a month after birth. How do I know this you ask? Well, I have done way too much research on them. Particularly on a type called HEMANGIOMA - or just H as many moms and dads refer to them on forums and blogs.

When Jesse was about 2 weeks old, I noticed a flat red cloud on her stomach. I thought nothing of it but asked the dr about it at her 2 week appt. She said it was a birthmark that might actually puff out, but not to worry because it is not harmful and will go away. I was not concerned and a week later, noticed another one on the base of her hairline. I brought this one up to her at the next week appt. and received the same answer. They both started to get bigger like she said and we were not too worried because they were only cosmetic issues.


This is where the internet can be your enemy for a new parent. Anything and everything that might be wrong with your baby can be found. I would see a rash on her face and it possibly could be baby acne or a flesh eating disease that would give her 2 weeks to live!

For our situation I did see some information that was contradictory to what our pediatrician told me. There are some h's that require attention. They can ulcerate very badly and be incredibly painful. There are some that can get so big they interfere with breathing or eyesight. I became a little more alarmed and decided I would keep a closer watch.

The one on her stomach stayed small, while the one on her neck seemed to be growing bigger overnight. I tried to avoid bumping or tugging it while changing clothes and laying her down. Sometimes bumping it slightly would cause her to cry in pain. She got it over the pain quickly, but i am always aware of it.

People stare at it when we're out, and I've had a few people ask me what it is and share with me their grandchild or niece had one.

About 2 months ago, it started to scab. When I had seen them do that on the internet, it usually meant it would become infected and would become very painful for the child. This was my fear and got a dr. appt for the next day. She said she had never seen one do that (which is not the time I wanted to have a unique child) and got us an immediate referral to Dr Ghali in Grapevine. He is I believe the only pedi dermatologist in the area.

He told me that i needed to put this ointment on it to keep from becming infected and that we needed to think about getting an MRI. I was surprised to learn that he was more concerned about the location of it, rather than it getting infected. It falls exactly on the center of her body which means it could be attached to her spine.

This just opened up my google search to an extreme high!! I found a forum for hemangioma's and began a correspondence with one of the leading dr's of vascular formations - specializing in hemangioma's. I sent pics and explained the dr's concerns. He responded a few days later and told me he was fairly certain it was not on the spine. This was very reassuring, but of course I spent many more hours researching and trying to find answers.

Both of our dr's said they were sure as well but not 100%. They still recommended it and we scheduled it for late July, when she would be a little over 5 months.

This all leads me to this past week.....the dreaded MRI. Jesse would have to get sedated and I tried not to think about it in the weeks leading up to it. So much of me thought the risk of sedation outweighed the possibility of something being wrong. But I knew if there was something wrong, I would totally regret not having got it.

**warning....graphic**

A few things I just remembered about the experience of a c-section....

I didn't realize I was wearing a diaper till the middle of the first night. After giving birth, obviously there is a lot that has to come out. My nurse gave me meds and then proceeded to "change" my diaper and completely clean me. That might have been considered a "low" point of the evening had I not been so tired and slept through most of it.

The next time in they came to take out my catheter. I don't know how I could have been so clueless as not to have realized I had not been to the bathroom in almost 24 hours. I was going....I just didn't realize it.

Like I mentioned...the first full day we spent learning to nurse and learning to care for Jesse. Ron's parents were at the hospital a lot and some of my family got to come back by, as well as a few other visitors.

The nights would go the same as the first night. Jesse ate very regularly. Her cart had a squeaky wheel so we could always tell when the nurse was bringing her down the hall. I was still so tired at night, but knew that she was getting comfort from me.

Saturday finally came and we were really getting anxious to get out of there. Ron's sister, brother in law, and their 2 kids came from Louisiana to visit. They kept us company and went to go get us something to eat.

I still had not gone number 2 because of the meds they were giving me. They said it was common, but they really wanted me to go before I left. The nurse gave me a suppository and told me she could "assist" me. I told her that I could handle it. I did what I was supposed to do and waited. Nothing. This was starting to get painful. About an hour later I told her I needed another one. She looked at me kind of strange and said she would have to phone the dr on call to see if she would allow it.

Really?? I could get extra darvocet or codeine, but there is some sort of administrative alert if I want another suppository?

I kept trying and just hung out in the bathroom. I wondered if they had left another baby in there that was trying to get out. She came back and gave me some sort of mint liquid Tthat did the trick. We had been ready to go since 10am and our pediatrician didn't show up till 6pm. We were so ready to get home.

We were wheeled down...got her buckled in and on our way we went. I sat in the back of the car with Jesse and I cried a little looking at my empty seat up front. I was already worried that things were changing. They were....but I didn't know how good it would get!

Knock Knock....

I have a uterine condition that required me to have many sonograms while I was pregnant. We had a great sono tech and she printed out a lot of pictures. In all of them....Jesse looked like an alien. But nearing the last few sonograms...it looked like an alien with a pig nose. Ronald and I joked about it, but a small part of me wondered if she really did have a huge pig nose and they just didn't want to tell me.

I kept waking up and falling back asleep in the recovery room. I'm not sure how much time had gone by but I still felt so tired. Jesse was in the little rolling container and she looked so peaceful. No pig nose. She was very proportionate. People called her pretty....but no newborn has ever looked pretty to me. I just knew she was healthy and that is what was important. I didn't know what to think of her. I don't know if this sounds bad...but I didn't love her yet. I was scared of her.

More people had come to see her and they had to come in 2 at a time. My brother and his girlfriend Lauren, My best friend Mary Katherine, and Cortney's boyfriend Jack. I was happy all these people were here to see us.

I still couldn't believe this baby was mine. I realized that I had not held her yet. She was crying and they brought her to me to feed. As simple as breastfeeding sounds....it's not. It was an experience that brought tears and frustration. I didn't know if she was even getting anything at first but she seemed content.

Everyone left and it was just us 3. I didn't realize they were still giving me medicine that was making me so tired. We decided to let the nurses take her to the nursery so that we could get a little sleep at night. I know that it is a personal decision for parents to keep the baby with you at all times or let them take the baby to the nursery at night. I encourage it to new mothers because you are about to get SOOOO much time together, but as I've learned in talking and listening to mothers, they each have their own very strong opinions about everything.

I couldn't really sleep and kept thinking about her. I was hoping she was ok and knew that we all 3 needed rest. Ronald and I had pretty much been up all night before in anticipation. I started to enter the first realm of sleep when....."knock knock"....

The first feeding of the night was about eleven pm. They must have taught her how to suck while she was in the nursery because....WOW.....this hurts!!! I guess she was getting something because she stopped and then fell asleep. Ronald rolled her back down to the nursery.

"Knock knock".... an hour and 15 later. This is gonna be a long night.

By 6 we already had 4 feedings. I laid there and heard a cart rolling down the hallway...getting closer....and closer.

Oh no...please keep going.....please don't stop here...oh no.....oh no... please don't stop at my room!! YEA...it didn't stop!!

I couldn't really go back to sleep...and breakfast came. Ronald went and got her and I had kind of missed her.

At this point I was more alert and more comfortable with her. Everything started slowly setting in and I was starting to realize this was the baby that had been with me for the last 9 months. She was my family....yet I didn't know her and she needed me to fulfill her every need. I likened it to a long lost family member you never knew, calling you and saying they will be at your house in a few months. You know they are coming, but you don't know what to expect. They show up at your doorstep crying, in diapers, and needing you to do everything for them. (In my mind I envisioned a man that was older and large. It made it funnier)

She was starting to become cute and her noises became very interesting and funny.

With the first night over, I had no idea what was still in store but I had another 2 nights to learn from the nurses and then....take my little non pig nose home.

"A Baby Story"...

I hear the dr. come in and ask me how I'm doing. I tried to say good, but the suction straw got stuck to my tongue. She mentioned to me that she had a student and that he would be helping/observing.

Awesome!! Glad I specifically asked for a female dr to deliver me. You guys have a great time down there!! I'll just be hanging out behind the curtain!!

**This was the point I lost that little bit of privacy I was still holding onto**

The anaesthesiologist was still trying to adjust fluids or something so I would stop trying to throw up. My teeth were chattering and I got really cold. The dr proceeds to lecture her student about what she is doing. This wouldn't be so bad if:

1) I wasn't already extremely nauseous

2) I was watching it on Discovery Health

3) It wasn't happening to me

So I can hear her telling him about moving organs around, pulling various organs around, and putting various organs back in.

Then all of a sudden...

ITS A GIRL!!!!

Every single episode of "A Baby Story" for me has ended with tears. I always thought it would be that way with me, but I think I was still in shock. They were showing me this little baby, but I could not comprehend that she was mine.

It was as if time stood still. I was kind of out of it from the meds and started to fade a little. I was half asleep and still trying to gag when the anaesthesiologist said they were just going to put me out.

I asked if she was ok and he said they were having respiratory specialist look at her. I kept falling in and out of sleep.

We took that picture together and I wish I could say I remember it but I was sooo foggy and still sooo extremely nauseous. Ronald was happy and telling me she was perfect and I kept fighting to stay awake.

I finally drifted off and woke up in a room with a baby.

i can't feel my legs..

The main reason we were told they leave the dads outside while the mom gets prepped for surgery is because if the dads are going to faint during the c-section process, it's usually when the mom gets the needle in her back. I tried not to think about the long needle and instead thought about the anaesthesiologist looking at the unflattering view of my butt sitting on the table while giving me the shot.

Shot went in fine...and they tell you they are gonna have you lay back. You go to bring your legs up onto the table and you can't lift them. It was a very strange feeling. They lift my legs on the table for me and get the disinfectant or iodine to prep my stomach and i joke that they might need a paint roller. Before I could say something even more stupid, Ronald walks in and they put the curtain up.

Before I could start crying from anxiousness the nausea kicks in. I would have rather had someone standing there laughing at me and kicking me in the head than dealt with it. I have ALWAYS hated it and it has almost constantly kept me from drinking too much. It started with that time in Vegas when I had my first drink. My mother and sister helped me by tossing a pillow at me and telling me it will be better in the morning, while my tears fell in the toilet.

You don't realize how much you use your stomach muscles when you throw up. When you are temporarily paralyzed from controlling them it can be very difficult to make yourself bring anything up. I didn't have much left in my stomach anyways but a little liquid. The anaesthesiologist was trying to adjust my levels and kept apologizing. I kept saying no problem while I was dry heaving every 30 seconds. He had a suction straw that kept getting attached to my lips and at that point I was fairly miserable. It was all caused by low blood pressure, but it was a great distraction from the thought of someone slicing my abdomen open and pulling out a human being.

2/17/10

When having a c-section you pretty much can pick the date your child will be born. The dr. was amazed I made it as far as I did, so we set a date for 38 weeks. I didn't really think about it much because at this point, everything was pretty much under control. After the 17th of February, I would be a mother. I know for most people....that just goes along with the whole picture and idea of carrying a baby for 9 months. But for me...it still didn't make sense. I wondered how it would be having a newborn with you all the time. I wondered if I would ever turn the radio up loud and roll the windows down ever again. I tried not to think about my due date.

With 70 extra lbs staring me in the mirror, I tried my best to forget about what would be happening. It worked fairly well until you try to stand up, put on shoes, or sit on the toilet so much...all you have time to do is think about it.

I set my alarm for 4am because I couldn't eat after 5am for the surgery. Yes....I made sure I ate until the last minute of my pregnancy. It feels like a free pass when you are pregnant, but I knew the guilt would set in after she was out and the fast food train would be over.

The morning came and I just put on a brave face....meaning makeup...and we headed to the hospital. I was sooooo going to miss being alone with Ron and having our time with just us on the couch. I knew very soon....everything would change. I knew it would be a good change, but I was having a hard time saying goodbye. We were nervous going to the hospital but I always feel secure having him with me. He does very well at taking care of me and I knew he would make sure the dr's did as well. My girlfriend Abi was there even before us!! She has been such a wonderful support and best friend to me.

I changed into my gown and asked if they had a maternity gown that would fit me better. That was the maternity gown. I'm sure the tag size was "morbidly obese", but thankfully I didn't see it. Soon the nurse was checking me in and hooking up my IV. I of course was making jokes and talking her ear off, which is what I tend to do when I get nervous. My sister showed up and I think I almost cried but held it together. Then my dad, grandma, Ron's parents, Kaleb (Ron's son), and Barb (my mom's best friend and "like a mom"). My mom lives in Pittsburgh and I asked her to come 2 weeks after Jesse was born. Ron took 2 weeks off and she could be with me after he goes back to work. Ron often is out of town 3/4 days a week. The surgery was set for 1:30 and the time was going by soooo fast. I was supposed to call my mom but I had forgot and she called my sister to see what was going on. She gave me the phone and then the tears started. I regretted not having my mom there, but I knew I needed her help later on and had Ron and his mom to help me in the beginning.

Tick tock......tick tock.....

The nurse came in and asked everyone to leave....more tears. Starting to get real. Was it too late to delay it?? Maybe I could stuff some food in my mouth real quick and then they wouldn't be able to do the surgery that day.

They tell me that Ron has to wait outside while I get prepped. I say goodbye to him...and he is trying not to cry. I cry for him....and they wheel me away.

Becoming a mother...

It feels soooo weird saying mother. It is such a big title to live up to. Who do athletes, actors, and us everyday commoners accredit their tremendous life and success to? Mostly moms. I hope that she will love me one day. I have so many ideas and things I want to implement in her, but I hope she wants to go along with it. It really has started to go by fast the last month and a half. BUT that first month was sooooooo slow. There was not much to prepare for how the next few weeks would go.

To start off...I gained somewhere between 69 and 71 lbs. I'll let you do the math. I had a WONDERFUL time! I resorted back to my old lifestyle of fast food and more whataburger. I would get food to eat on the way home WITH the food I was gonna eat AT home. It was a party everyday! I told people that Jesse would have whataburger withdrawals when she was born! I was put on a moderate bed rest at in the beginning which meant no heavy lifting, no driving outside the immediate area, or doing much of anything, except eating.

I had a fairly easy pregnancy. The worst part was my feet swelling and I would get pain in my wrists and my hands would go numb when I slept. I also couldn't help but feel a little guilt when I would complain because there are women who can't get pregnant after years of trying and here I am..... having a baby by surprise. NOBODY is comfortable when you are getting to the final months but I had a feeling it would be a lot less sleep when she got here, so I was just fine with her staying in.

At that point....everything still seemed like a dream. I wonder if it was because I wasn't trying or even THINKING about having a baby, that I could not really grasp this concept that has been going around since Adam & Eve.

Remembering things...

I have a really bad memory. My family will probably say I don't because I can tell them what I wore when we went to that picnic when I was 4, or what I ate on the 3rd night of that cruise. Yet, it seems like on some very big stretches of time..... I am blank. I figure if I think people might read what I write, it will inspire me to write out memories or thoughts. When I have journaled in the past, I did so with the idea of others reading it. It didn't work out so well because no one read it but me. I tried to leave it out at times, but I guess no one cared. I hope I don't offend anyone and I am not sure if I will give out this web address to family and friends. I have always been fairly private and this might just take that away. I think being homeschooled in some of my most formative educational years also set me back in grammer/puncshuation. That was a joke...but the statement is true.